Warhammer Online FAQ (Part 1)May 21, 2008
Q: Where am I?
A: You are in the murky nether regions of the internet, where fact and speculation copulate in an unholy mixture that can both kill and inspire upon touch. Also known as a “Frequently Asked Questions” text file.
Q: So what’s the deal with this Warhammer game I keep hearing about? It’s about hammers? You build decks with other players?
A: No, that’s Tackhammer Online, developed by Home Depot. Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning (WAR) is a massively awesome multiplayer online role-playing virtual world universe (MAMORPVWU, for short). You hit things with hammers, they die, and instead of going to jail and being racked with guilt, you are rewarded handsomely for the experience.
Q: So it’s a serial killer training simulator, then?
A: After seeing videos of Paul Barnett, we’d have to say “yes”.
Q: So what’s with all the love of acronyms in the massively multiplayer community?
A: People are far, far too busy hitting things with hammers to be bothered with proper communication via the Queen’s English (or “QE”). Also, being hit with hammers jumbles up the knowledge centers of the mind a bit.
Q: But wouldn’t the proper acronym of Warhammer Online: Age of Reckoning be “WO:AoR”?
A: Originally, it was. But on a fateful November evening, one of the devs accidentally let slip this acronym in normal communication, only to be mobbed by several thousand North American Lilly Frogs.
A: The phonetic pronunciation of “WO:AoR” sounds quite similar to the Lilly Frogs’ mating call.
Q: So, going back to the game and away from any potentially disturbing mental images, what types of activities may one participate in during their WAR constitutionals?
A: “Constitutional” is a funny word.
Q: I know. Answer the question!
A: Warhammer Online invites players to engage in mortal combat (that’s with a “C” to avoid legal entanglements) with other players, to conquer far-away keeps and cities, and to snowboard down a mountain in order to find enough materia to stop Jenova from summoning Meteor.
Q: Dude, isn’t that Final Fantasy VII?
A: [looks at notes] Perhaps. And I’m pretty sure I messed even that up.
Q: What avatar may I slip over my lumpy real life body to assume in this virtual world?
A: WAR’s races include Orcs, Elves, Dwarfs, Humans, Congressmen, River Dancers, Mimes, Swedes, Frogmen, C.H.U.D., and Killer Tomatoes. Each race may assume one of four unique careers to that race, such as Chaos Bartender, Witch Hugger and Squid Herder.
Q: This game has squid? AWESOME! BEST GAME OF 2008 PEOPLE!
A: I know, right?
Q: If I choose to play a Witch Hugger, am I entitled to use as many quotes from the “Witch Weighing Scene” from Monty Python and the Holy Grail?
A: According to the Python Protection Act of 2005, no one may reference Monty Python on the internet, in a chat room, on a forum, or in a game without prosecution. Even if it is mentioned in a completely self-referential, ironic way.
Q: But… she turned me into a newt!
A: That’s quite enough of that, thank you very much.
Q: What’s this about a “Tome of Knowledge”? I don’t even know what a “tome” is!
A: Think of your biggest high school textbook.
Q: Hm… that’d have to be my World History book.
A: Right. That’s a tome. The Tome of Knowledge is just as big, only this one is full of useful information that you’ll actually need.
Q: Wouldn’t it be cool if this was, like, part one of a series of FAQs that we could stretch on until we land a lucrative endorsement?
T: I agree!
A: What? Who are you?
T: …us other letters felt left out, so we’re filing an injunction to be included in this article.
L: Hi mom!
Q: Shut your cakehole, non-Q&A’ers! We’ll be right back after a word from our e-mail spam filter.